How should the girlfriend be reacting to this?
Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some children are lucky to have two fathers. For some, they've got parents and stepparents who love them equally. And other families were created with a little bit of science.
A bio dad posted on Reddit's famous thread "Am I The A**hole?" after getting into a fight with his girlfriend. He didn't do anything wrong, but the situation is still a little complicated.
"I've known my best friend Brenda since we were kids," he started his post. "I was the first person she came out to as a lesbian when we were in our senior year of high school and fully supported her."
The two remained close, and eventually Brenda got married. "She met her current wife in college and they got married 6 years later," he wrote. "When I was 27, they both talked to me about wanting to start a family. They asked if I would consider being their sperm donor because they wanted someone they trusted rather than a stranger and who'd be there when their child started to have questions about their donor."
It all makes sense. But it can still be a sensitive issue for men. After all, as a sperm donor, their DNA is out there in the world. While he wasn't responsible for the child, the child would still exist in his world. The original poster (OP) thought about it and agreed to the situation. Because that's what friends are for.
"I was honored that they thought of me and agreed to do it," he said. "It felt good to help people I care about start their own family. We went through the whole process and a year later, Brenda gave birth to their daughter, Lucy." He made a point to say that, of course, Lucy was named after Lucy Lawless.
While the OP isn't taking on any sort of "father" role, he's still involved in Lucy's life. "Since she was born, I've always been present in her life and we have a great uncle/niece type relationship," he wrote. "The 3 of us have been happy with how things are and they're glad I'm close with Lucy."
The situation seems perfect. At least, it was — until the OP started dating. Now, granted, it's a situation that not every woman would feel comfortable with. But the OP was honest and never tried to hide anything about his unique situation. According to him, he revealed the news four months in — which seems a little late, unless he was waiting until he felt serious about someone.
"We've been together 3 years now and planning on getting married," he said. "Last week was Lucy's 6th b-day and we both were at their house. After cake was cut, we all started taking pics. I told my gf to come so we both could get one with Lucy but she said no. Didn't think nothing of it until I noticed she was distant and hardly interacting with anyone."
As you may expect, her mind mysteriously changed on the Lucy issue. "We talked after we got home and she said she didn't feel comfortable with me seeing Lucy anymore because it still felt weird that I donated sperm and now I'm playing a role in her life when donors don't do that," he said. "This was a shock to me because she never brought it up before. When I said I wasn't gonna stop, she got frustrated and it became a huge fight."
The situation is even more difficult since he dedicated six years to taking on an uncle role in Lucy's life. "She didn't understand why I had to be in Lucy's life and it felt unfair that she has to share me with someone who's not my legal responsibility," he said. But she began throwing out even more absurd accusations to make the situation more difficult.
"At one point she asked if Brenda and I slept together and came up with this donor idea to cover the fact that I knocked her up, and that's why I'm involved," he wrote. "I get we were both angry but asking that was out of line. I told her I'll never cut off my relationship with them and left our apartment."
"To her, it's unreasonable to choose a kid that'll never truly be mine over her: someone I can have a future and a family with," he concluded. "I feel bad that she feels this way, but it seems like she's not being fair either. It's been rough and I don't know who's right or wrong." Luckily, Reddit came through with a strong verdict — she's wrong.
Since she's always known about Lucy, she's had plenty of time to figure out how she feels about the situation. Maybe she felt like with time, his bond would weaken. Or maybe she doesn't want to include Lucy in her vision of her "family," especially when Lucy already has two very capable and loving mother figures.
But it's bound to put the OP in a tough situation. Especially since he was accused of having a secret affair. Redditor FleurMing0z stated, "you DO NOT want to have any kind of permanent relationship with someone who would sever your ties to your biological child," adding "Run, and run NOW."
Another Redditor felt that it was unfair for his girlfriend to put her own definition on the relationship sperm donors should have. "You and your friend are clearly only close friends and nothing more. And she doubted you with a wild theory that you lied about being a donor to cover up for sleeping with & knocking up your close friend," the commenter wrote. "Who is she to say whether donors can be present in the child's life or not, what tf makes her the authority? What kind of grown woman is jealous of a little girl as competition for attention?"
Redditor Goolajones made the point that his entire conversation with his girlfriend brought up a lack of trust — which is never good. "You can't be with someone who can't trust you after three years," Goolajones wrote. "She is probably threatened. She probably doesn't want your attention on someone else."
It's a shame to break up a seemingly good relationship over something like this, but it's a hard ask to tell someone to stop talking to a person whom they consider family. Especially if that person happens to be a child. If anything, she should witness how great her boyfriend is with kids, if kids are in the plan for the two of them.
And it's also important to point out that accusing someone of having a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't even share a natural attraction to them is also tough. Long story short, the OP provided a family for a dear friend. What he did was incredible, and he shouldn't have to feel bad about it. If you're in a similar situation, try hard to focus on how you feel about the arrangement. Because you can't expect them to shut out a child that they've formed such a sweet bond with.
Families come in all shapes and sizes. Some children are lucky to have two fathers. For some, they've got parents and stepparents who love them equally. And other families were created with a little bit of science.
A bio dad posted on Reddit's famous thread "Am I The A**hole?" after getting into a fight with his girlfriend. He didn't do anything wrong, but the situation is still a little complicated.
"I've known my best friend Brenda since we were kids," he started his post. "I was the first person she came out to as a lesbian when we were in our senior year of high school and fully supported her."
The two remained close, and eventually Brenda got married. "She met her current wife in college and they got married 6 years later," he wrote. "When I was 27, they both talked to me about wanting to start a family. They asked if I would consider being their sperm donor because they wanted someone they trusted rather than a stranger and who'd be there when their child started to have questions about their donor."
"I was honored that they thought of me and agreed to do it," he said. "It felt good to help people I care about start their own family. We went through the whole process and a year later, Brenda gave birth to their daughter, Lucy." He made a point to say that, of course, Lucy was named after Lucy Lawless.
While the OP isn't taking on any sort of "father" role, he's still involved in Lucy's life. "Since she was born, I've always been present in her life and we have a great uncle/niece type relationship," he wrote. "The 3 of us have been happy with how things are and they're glad I'm close with Lucy."
The situation seems perfect. At least, it was — until the OP started dating. Now, granted, it's a situation that not every woman would feel comfortable with. But the OP was honest and never tried to hide anything about his unique situation. According to him, he revealed the news four months in — which seems a little late, unless he was waiting until he felt serious about someone.
"We've been together 3 years now and planning on getting married," he said. "Last week was Lucy's 6th b-day and we both were at their house. After cake was cut, we all started taking pics. I told my gf to come so we both could get one with Lucy but she said no. Didn't think nothing of it until I noticed she was distant and hardly interacting with anyone."
As you may expect, her mind mysteriously changed on the Lucy issue. "We talked after we got home and she said she didn't feel comfortable with me seeing Lucy anymore because it still felt weird that I donated sperm and now I'm playing a role in her life when donors don't do that," he said. "This was a shock to me because she never brought it up before. When I said I wasn't gonna stop, she got frustrated and it became a huge fight."
The situation is even more difficult since he dedicated six years to taking on an uncle role in Lucy's life. "She didn't understand why I had to be in Lucy's life and it felt unfair that she has to share me with someone who's not my legal responsibility," he said. But she began throwing out even more absurd accusations to make the situation more difficult.
"At one point she asked if Brenda and I slept together and came up with this donor idea to cover the fact that I knocked her up, and that's why I'm involved," he wrote. "I get we were both angry but asking that was out of line. I told her I'll never cut off my relationship with them and left our apartment."
"To her, it's unreasonable to choose a kid that'll never truly be mine over her: someone I can have a future and a family with," he concluded. "I feel bad that she feels this way, but it seems like she's not being fair either. It's been rough and I don't know who's right or wrong." Luckily, Reddit came through with a strong verdict — she's wrong.
Since she's always known about Lucy, she's had plenty of time to figure out how she feels about the situation. Maybe she felt like with time, his bond would weaken. Or maybe she doesn't want to include Lucy in her vision of her "family," especially when Lucy already has two very capable and loving mother figures.
But it's bound to put the OP in a tough situation. Especially since he was accused of having a secret affair. Redditor FleurMing0z stated, "you DO NOT want to have any kind of permanent relationship with someone who would sever your ties to your biological child," adding "Run, and run NOW."
Another Redditor felt that it was unfair for his girlfriend to put her own definition on the relationship sperm donors should have. "You and your friend are clearly only close friends and nothing more. And she doubted you with a wild theory that you lied about being a donor to cover up for sleeping with & knocking up your close friend," the commenter wrote. "Who is she to say whether donors can be present in the child's life or not, what tf makes her the authority? What kind of grown woman is jealous of a little girl as competition for attention?"
Redditor Goolajones made the point that his entire conversation with his girlfriend brought up a lack of trust — which is never good. "You can't be with someone who can't trust you after three years," Goolajones wrote. "She is probably threatened. She probably doesn't want your attention on someone else."
It's a shame to break up a seemingly good relationship over something like this, but it's a hard ask to tell someone to stop talking to a person whom they consider family. Especially if that person happens to be a child. If anything, she should witness how great her boyfriend is with kids, if kids are in the plan for the two of them.
And it's also important to point out that accusing someone of having a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't even share a natural attraction to them is also tough. Long story short, the OP provided a family for a dear friend. What he did was incredible, and he shouldn't have to feel bad about it. If you're in a similar situation, try hard to focus on how you feel about the arrangement. Because you can't expect them to shut out a child that they've formed such a sweet bond with.
